


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 160 (Part II)

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [14]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 08:06:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6366007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The satirical saga continues, as Tatooine's favorite hermit ventures into the inner sanctum of Jabba the Hutts palace.  Obi-Wan finds Beru chained to Jabba and wearing a certain metallic bikini.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 160 (Part II)

TATOOINE - Day 160 (Part II)

"Come again?" I queried, stealing a glance of Beru in her metallic bikini. 

Jabba's protocol droid, TC-70, repeated his Master's request. He wanted me to capture a rancor. The massive pit in the middle of the throne room now made sense. 

"Jabba," I waved my hand, "you will release the woman and baby to me and we will be on our way."

"HO-HO-HOOO!" Jabba tugged on the chain connected to Beru's neck, causing her breasts to bounce slightly. That bikini had a hold on me like a Force choke from Darth Vader. 

Recovering my momentum, I reminded Jabba that I had helped in rescuing his kidnapped son during the Clone Wars. 

"CHOO-TOO BIGNU, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH..."

I waited for the translation. 

TC-70 continued, "The exalted Jabba wishes to inform you that the only reason why he, or any of his people, have not reported your whereabouts to the Empire is because you saved his most cherished son Rotta. So the debt on both sides have been cleared."

“Well then,” I spoke directly to the droid, “please explain to his royal slugness that the safety of this baby, which he has stolen from me, is of the utmost importance…”

“Hey!” Beru interrupted.

I shot a smile at her, my eyes lingering a little too long on that damn bikini, and continued, “You could say that this baby is my ‘most cherished son.’ Taking that into consideration, I understand that the illustrious Jabba in all his wisdom would want to offer proof of the child’s wellbeing before we could continue with our negotiations.”

“HO-HO-HOOO, HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA…” Jabba slapped his droid in a laughing fit, knocking him to the floor. “WANNA WANGA JEDI FEE BOKAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BOBA.”

TC-70 struggled to stand, “The extremely robust Jabba says that the Jedi have always driven a hard bargain, but he will concede. Boba, show him.”

Boba sidled up beside me holding a holoprojector. I noticed that he too was staring at Beru, so I nudged him with my elbow. “Uh,” he began and attempted to threaten me in his squeaky voice, “the infant is not in the Palace Kenboi, so don't get any stupid ideas."

The holoprojector ignited and a blue image of a hideous creature with long lips hovered in the air. She had a bizarre drawl as she spoke, "Jabba sweetie, how are you?"

Jabba responded to her in a tone that sounded like he was saying "not in front of the guest!" He continued to speak to her directly as he licked his sluggish lips and green slime slid down his chin. 

"Anything for you, Jabba," the hologram responded. “Wait?! What the hell is that supposed to be?” She was referring to Beru and her hypnotic bikini.

Boba stuck his face between the hologram and Jabba, "Show the Jedi the baby, Sy."

"Of course, darling."

The thing with the lips took a step back and revealed that she was holding the infant. Luke was cooing and attempting to grab his caretakers lip tubes. 

"See Master Jedi," Sy Snootles began, "this baby may be ugly, but he's happy and well taken care of."

Jabba's voice erupted in the throne room. Boba quickly shut off the holoprojector and took a step behind me. I smiled a big goofy grin at Beru. 

The droid translated the message, "Are you satisfied, Jedi?"

"Your blubber-ship, I don't suppose I could talk you out of this?" I knew the question was pointless. 

Again Jabba's enormous belly laugh filled the room. 

I cleared my throat in order to get his attention. "I will not steal a baby rancor from its mother, if that's what you're going to ask."

TC-70 immediately answered for Jabba. "His excellency is not without a heart. He requires an adolescent male."

I should have known he'd want a rancor at the start of its most vicious age. Having fought in the Clone Wars I was prepared at a moment’s notice for anything the galaxy could throw at me and this was no different. 

Looking at Beru, still under her bikini’s spell, I stammered, "Beru, I will return for…ah…return for…ah…”

“Me?” She seemed confused by all the attention.

“Yes, I will return for me…ah, I mean you!” Dragging my gaze away from Beru I got back to business. “And Jabba, if anything should happen to Beru or the child, I will end you."

Jabba's laugh was slightly less intense this time. He blathered on for a moment, and then his droid relayed the message, "On your journey you will be accompanied by Boba Fett as well as three of Jabba's guards. There is currently the perfect specimen nesting in Beggar’s Canyon."

“Beggar’s Canyon?” Dread began to fill me. “Sure, sounds like a blast.”


End file.
